For those of us who endure occasional periods of depression, it is easy to lose track of the hours, days, weeks and months that pass by during these funks. Often times, one measures their happiness by noting they don’t feel “unhappy.” The truth is, my moods are probably about 65 % – 35 %, although during much of the 65%, I am not walking around thinking, “I am happy!”, but rather just living and feeling normal. To be totally accurate in describing my mental state might require me to calculate what percentage of the 65% is spent feeling “just okay” vs knowing and realizing “happiness”. But seriously, who walks around realizing how great existence is at every moment? Your head would probably explode.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is to say that this morning I woke up feeling less down, less insecure, less lonely, less tired, and more alive. I think there has been a noticeable positive trend in my mental state for a while now, although lately I had occasionally been noticeably more down and bored. But I am choosing to believe that those feelings were the last lingering suction cups of depression attempting to hang on. Not to suggest that film is reality or compare myself to a woman, but I often found myself mulling a statement by Clive Owen’s character in the movie “Closer”. In describing his relationship with Julia Roberts to Jude Law’s character, he says “Depressives don’t want to be happy. They want to be unhappy to confirm their depression. If they were happy, they couldn’t be depressed anymore. They’d have to go out into the world and live, which can be depressing.”
Closer is not a favorite of mine, but the line always stuck with me. Partly I find it funny, and partly true. Depression can become like a collective experience and a way of life. You want be around those to whom you can relate, which often limits your company to others who are depressed, and in turn makes depression a constant. Fashionable even.
But now I feel I’m coming to terms with myself, my life, my friends. I don’t need to go out or be around people to feel good or social. I don’t need to be in a relationship. I am fine on my own being myself. There is nothing to be ashamed of, no reason to be down or anxious.
I attribute the improvement to several things: increased communication and expression through blogging, music and other forms, supportive friends, exercise, and other things. Should I have talked to someone during this fairly long stretch of depression? Probably. Should I still talk to someone about it anyway despite feeling better? Probably. But I feel rejuvenated and the significant detour that the last few years have been is over.
So with that I declare an end to depression, misanthropy, cynicism, self-destructive behavior, and self-imposed pain. Out with old in and in with new, and so on.
